A Love Lost
by Kate Phoenix
Summary: After a stressful year Castle and Beckett's relationship begins to take a different turn.  Finally calling Beckett out on her actions and whether or not she remembers will lead the two down a path that will either help them or end them.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: A Love Lost**

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately I don't own these characters but I love them. If I did own them then none of my homework would get done.**

**Author's Note: Hi all, so this is the first real fanfiction that I've written and I certainly plan on sticking with this story. This one is interesting and I want to see where this is headed. Hopefully you'll stay along for the ride.**

**KP, aka Ashley**

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><p>The room was hot. Stifling air that seemed tainted. He followed in toe though she told him not to. Thankfully both were wearing vests this time around. But of course it was typical for them to find the suspect and then track him down through a warehouse. It was your standard sized warehouse that sat in lower Manhattan. Not the nicest part of town, certainly not what either of them was accustomed to, but regardless they hunted as usual.<p>

Neither spoke or knew where Ryan and Esposito went off. They must have covered the other side of the warehouse while Beckett and Castle took the west side.

There were large shelves lining the metal walls that were now slowly rotting from the inside out. These shelves protruded from the wall creating rows making the partners feel like they were saddled back in their youth to corn mazes. The large metal and wood shelves were cluttered with various boxes ranging in size. Some were enormous while others didn't look bigger than a cell phone.

"I know exactly why he hangs out here." Castle said in a hushed tone.

Beckett continued to stalk the prey she knew hardly anything about. "Why's that, Castle?" She decided to play along with his game.

"All these rows, it's the perfect place to either hide a body or to get away with some kinky stuff."

She rolled her eyes though he couldn't see. Typical Castle. He probably had a grin plastered on his face.

"Yeah, well hopefully it's neither."

The two continued and listened for other footsteps. The two could hear the soft patter of footsteps coming from north but couldn't be sure. Her breathing was steady as her gun was drawn and her flashlight was propped beneath her right hand. It was the stance that all the recruits were taught. Crouch a bit so you can be agile, have your gun and flashlight steady so you have good aim, and always be tentative. All the tricks she mastered and Castle slowly picked up on.

The only thing illuminating their way was Beckett's small flashlight that covered a miniscule space. Her eyes adjusted to the dark warehouse as she scanned each corner they turned. Taking their steps slow and making their breathing even, they turned once more.

"Castle," she whispered over her shoulder. "Text Espo or Ryan. I can't hear where they are."

He quickly pulled out his newest iPhone and began typing away. The clicking of the touch screen resounded through the empty space they stood in. The detective whipped around and stood nose to nose with her partner.

"Turn your damn sound off." She looked in his eyes speaking through her teeth. Her hand rested on his while it gripped the phone vigorously.

Castle swallowed and nodded. "Got it."

Recovering from the small backlash Beckett preceded in her stance. A low hum vibrated through her ears. _Ding_. Something fell and it was close. She stopped and sprawled her hand on Castle's chest. All he did was look up from his phone and then at her face.

"What's-"

Her hand moved up blindly to his mouth. "Don't." Beckett retracted her hand and gripped her glock with both hands. Slowly and breathlessly she peeked her head around the corner. It was dark but a low purple light glowed from the corner. Within the glow there was a dark shadow. Their suspect Roridgo Gomes was right around that corner. Beckett could just feel it as her hands tensed around the gun. She could feel adrenaline slowly pulsing itself through her veins.

She licked her lip as a small trickle of sweat fell from her brow. Turning back to Castle who was watching her reverently and cautiously knew what was going to happen.

"Stay here."

No matter how many times she said that statement he never listened. Turning around the corner and making sure that her footsteps couldn't be heard she came upon the glow. Out of the corner of her eye she could see Ryan peek his head around a large crate labeled "Fragile" in large letters. He gave the nod and continued to stalk the glow.

It was a haunting and everlasting glow that never seemed to fade or flicker. Constantly radiating from that one corner of the warehouse. The team saw movement and decided now if any would be best to hasten their approach. No longer worried about being heard they sprinted from their positions toward the glow.

As the three came across the light they all stopped for a moment. It was enchanting and confusing all at the same time. Ryan opened his mouth, "What the,"

"Hell." Beckett finished but heard a noise coming from behind. More footsteps that was quicker. But not just one set two.

"Castle!" she yelled from behind the various shelves sprinting out ahead of the boys. They flanked her sides as they proceeded through the maze. No longer worrying about procedure as they rushed to Castle's aide.

Without hesitation Beckett ran full force knocking over whatever lay her way. The only thing on her mind was Castle's safety as they followed the footsteps. But, when those quick steps could no longer be heard she stopped momentarily to just listen. _Breathing._ She heard breathing that was always a good sign.

Ryan and Esposito stayed behind her with their guns drawn. Giving them the quick once over the three burst out from around the corner knocking over Halloween masks in their haste. But when they came around that decrepit corner all were shocked at the sight.

"Hey guys," Castle said with a grin holding the suspect down with one arm behind his back. With Castle no longer focusing on the suspect Gomes managed to wiggle a bit making Castle's grasp loosen. The first thing Beckett did though was lunge towards the men. Esposito and Ryan were right behind her to quickly apprehend the suspect if needed.

"Stay down, jackass." Beckett said cuffing him. The click of the cuffs sounded so pleasant as they echoed through the warehouse.

"Kate," Castle said grabbing her arm and bringing her up to standing position. "You're bleeding."

The metallic red color stained her magenta blouse as the black hilt protruded through her arm. She winced and grabbed at it. Thankfully the blade wasn't in too deep and it wasn't a big blade, maybe three inches or so.

The space smelled like rust as she clapped a hand over her arm. "I'm fine."

"To hell you are, I'm taking you home."

"Castle-"

"Boss, just head back. We've got this."

"Yeah," Ryan added. "Just come back when you're all fixed up."

Her boys, they always cared for her. It wasn't special treatment but with how the last year went they always took special notice of Beckett. Castle and the detective walked alongside the boys towards the cars. All squinted as they came back out to the bright Manhattan afternoon. The air was fresh and chilling as they headed out to the November landscape.

Esposito and Ryan put Gomes in the back of their cruiser and headed back to the precinct without another word. As Beckett went to the driver side Castle was right behind her. His chest was practically pressed against her back as they walked. Just she put the key into the lock Castle's hand reached out touching hers but for one purpose and one alone.

"You're not driving."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and threw him a look over her left shoulder. "I'm fine to drive."

"With one arm? No, get in the passenger seat."

"Castle,"

"We're not arguing. I'm taking you home to change and patch up your arm then back to the precinct."

Her slender hand slid out from underneath his larger one after shaking her head. Taking another pleasure of hers rather than granting her the joy of driving. With disdain, Beckett walked to the other side of the cruiser and took Castle's usual seat. The seat felt somewhat like him as if it matched all his contours.

The city passed by hidden against the glass that was now becoming fogged by Beckett's breathing. Castle was busy spinning theories that she didn't really want to discuss but nonetheless she was soothed by his voice. The way certain syllables rolled off his tongue and the hand gestures he made while driving showed how into his theories he became.

It seemed like just a few minutes that the two sat completely undisturbed within the confines of the cruiser before they reached Beckett's apartment. The heavy door swung open with a gentle push provided by Beckett herself.

"Where's your first aid kit?" Castle asked closing the door behind them.

"Check the cabinets or in the guest bath." She said over her shoulder as she sauntered towards her bedroom still holding her arm.

"Do you know where?" He said popping his head around the corner. Eyeing down the hallway towards her bedroom. The entire apartment smelled like her. Not only the cherries but also a gentle waft of vanilla that calmed the senses. When there was no response he decided to investigate for himself.

The apartment was very her. Each object and its placement had meaning. The large mural on the wall by Alex Gross suited her taste. The large space gave her room to roam and recreate herself after the incident with the bomb. Thankfully she managed to spare a few items from her first apartment but between the two Castle liked this one much more. It felt homier than the other apartment.

He strode into the kitchen quickly examining the novels perched upon the stairs. Some classics others more modern like _Split Image_ by Robert B. Parker and _Bad Things Happen_ by Harry Dolan. After speculating about the novels he made quick haste going through the cabinets next to the sink. No little white box with a brilliant red cross anywhere in sight. Cleaning gloves, check. Windex, check. Even a plunger but no first aid kit.

Rather than going through more of the kitchen he decided to inspect the guest bath. If it weren't in the kitchen then surely the next best place. His pace was quickened, his stride larger than usual. It wasn't a time to panic; the cut wasn't too bad but would need to be cleaned out properly. He passed the various pictures and books lining the shelves and walked down the hallway to the wooden door tucked inside.

The guest bath was a nice size that fit along with the kitchen. A white ceramic sink on one pedestal, a white claw foot tub, a circular mirror that rested above the sink, and a small medicine chest on the adjacent wall. He quickly went through the chest but once more found nothing.

Weighing his options he thought Beckett would be done changing by now. He peeked his head out into the hallway and took his time walking to her bedroom door. It was a dark mahogany that stood out against the pale gray of the hallway. Castle extended his hand and grasped the knob pressing his ear against the door. He knocked once and turned.

"Beckett," he whispered first. "Kate?" he said louder creeping into the room further.

He surveyed the bed, which was a queen with a dark purple comforter and pale green sheets hidden beneath. There was an assortment of throw pillows on the bed but what caught his eye more was the picture on her dresser. It was one of her entire family before Johanna was taken away from them.

"Castle!"

Instantly he turned around to find a scantly clad Beckett still wearing her three-inch heels, dark wash bootleg jeans, and a black bra made out of satin.

"What the hell are you doing in here?" she asked holding onto her arm.

"I, uh… was-" the words were caught in his throat as he stared at her. Trying hard to focus on her eyes rather than her body.

Her body was in good shape, which came as no surprise to the writer. The bra cupped her breasts firmly and left a small red line on the side of her body. The jeans were low cut, just low enough to see her tattoo. The way her hair fell on bare shoulders made the highlights come out more. Her tanned and toned body was everything he imagined.

She caught his stare and looked down uncomfortably shifting her arms to cover her breasts. "Jesus Castle,"

"Right, sorry." He said quickly clasping a hand over his eyes. "I couldn't find the first aid kit."

Beckett let out an annoyed sigh and shook her head. "Just wait for me in the family room."

Castle threw up a thumb in agreement and wandered towards the door aimlessly.

"You can look now, you're not facing me."

He let out a low laugh and nodded. But before leaving he stopped in the doorway and said with his back facing her, "Nice bra by the way."

Castle waited uncomfortably for a few minutes on the couch while his partner changed. How should he approach the topic? Sorry for walking in on you nearly topless. Oh, and by the way, how's your arm?

The door creaked open from down the hall and he imagined Beckett walking back with a gun in her hand threatening to kill him. Thankfully, there was no gun but a blood stained rag and a white box.

"I just need you to tape me up, please." She pronounced dropping the box in his lap and taking a seat next to him.

He nodded and took the tape from within. Wrapping it around her arm three times and making sure that the bandage was securely on the cut. Thankfully it wasn't very large and wouldn't leave a bad scar.

Once he finished and put the tape away the partners sat in awkward silence.

"I probably should have waited until you said something."

Beckett smirked, "Yeah, that might have been better."

"I like your tattoo by the way. The date, I suppose it's for your mother?"

She nodded, "Yeah, it's the date she was killed."

"Just so you know, I mainly stared at your scar. I mean, your boobs were very good contenders."

Beckett let out a small laugh and bit her bottom lip. She sighed once the joke passed and fell deeper against the couch.

He examined her and watched her movements. "Do you remember anything yet?"

Her jaw tightened and she shrugged, "A bit, just sounds and a few whirling images."

"Do you remember me?"

She looked down into her hands and then away towards the kitchen. Her expression distant and her eyes wandering the rooms.

"I really don't want to talk about this, Castle." Her tone was hushed as she spoke but she couldn't meet his eyes.

He cleared his throat and nodded. "You never want to talk about it."

"Yeah and that's because it's difficult. I mean my therapist is helping a bit but-"

"You're seeing a therapist?" Castle voiced leaning forward trying to see her eyes.

She nodded but didn't speak.

"Why's this the first I'm hearing about this?"

Beckett shrugged glancing at him and then away to her hands. "I never thought it was a big deal."

"Kate, of course it is. You're seeing a therapist rather than letting people in." he sighed shaking his head. "If you needed someone to talk to you had me."

Her eyes wandered up to his and stared for a moment. "What I'm going through I can't really talk to you about."

Castle ran his fingers through his dark hair and shook his head. "This reminds me of our fight back in May. You're always refusing to talk things out."

"Castle, it's just different."

"It's different? I don't see how it's different."

She held her right hand up and closed her eyes. "Roger is incredible with this. I can tell him things that I can't tell you yet."

"Roger?" Castle questioned standing. "Is that another one of your nowhere relationships?"

Beckett shook her head and stood herself. Taking a stride closer to him and pointing a finger at his chest. "I don't need to answer you."

"No you're right, but I want some answers. I've been waiting for answers for four years now and I don't know how else to phrase them."

"Castle,"

"No, just listen." He took a step closer to her staring deep within her eyes. "I have sat with you, I have solved crimes with you, I've had coffee, dinner, and movie nights with you. I have seen you in your darkest time and have kissed you. I've nearly died in your arms and I've seen you die in mine twice. With that track record I would think that you can trust me, but right now I don't know whether I've been wasting my time or living a fantasy."

Beckett's head fell with her chin pressed her collarbone. The dark curls cupping her face and falling helplessly against the white of her shirt. Her head shook and came up to face him. Was now the time or would she continue waiting? More importantly would he keep waiting?

"You haven't been wasting time. There are just things that I need to work out."

"Yeah, well you could have worked them out with me. I'm your partner."

She sighed and walked back to the couch. Sitting with her elbows on her knees and the tender brown curls falling once more. Castle stood on the opposite side of the coffee table staring down at her. He couldn't help but stare as she was in another moment of need.

"I'll wait for you, Kate." He uttered with a firm voice.

Right away her head came up, her eyes soft as they found his.

"I'm not going to leave just because I'm mad. I told you that I had a reason for coming back and if you don't know that reason by now then I'll just try harder."

She swallowed and watched his movements. "But for now, I'll wait until you want to talk things out. I can say all I want and just hope that it gets through to you. I'll wait, I promise."

Beckett sighed as he gaze fell to a picture of the team sitting peacefully on the shelf. It was from Castle's first year when they all looked much younger.

"Are you coming back to the precinct with me?" she said looking up to his eyes again.

Castle shook his head, a few strands bobbing as he moved. "I need some time to clear my head. I'll probably be there in the morning."

"Probably?"

He shrugged gathering his coat as he wandered towards the door. "Like I said, I need to clear my mind." He sighed once more and gave a weak smile. "I'll see you."

With that Castle left. It was almost like that night in May except less yelling but more sadness. How could she let him leave that easily? Why couldn't they just talk things out like normal adults? But neither was normal by any standards. Was this another layer to the Beckett onion or something bigger than both of them?

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Thus concludes the first chapter. I hope you guys like it and even if it seems boring fear not, I have a plan. My apologies for this being kind of short but I have the next few chapters already planned out in my head. Yes, inspiration struck today during school. Anyways, thanks all for reading and reviews are always welcomed.<strong>

**KP, aka Ashley**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: A Love Lost**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, still don't own the characters, but I could totally be a write for the show if you want me Marlowe.**

**Author's Note: Hey guys, my apologies for this one being a bit on the short side once more. I'm trying to get the whole fanfiction thing down to a science but it will take more than two chapters to become a star. Anyways, here is the second chapter. Hope you all enjoy.**

**KP, aka Ashley**

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><p>The drive back to the precinct felt different from all the others. As if time had reverted and she was a young detective once more riding solo without her partner. Her partner who was now mad at her once more after another heated argument. He was right, they hadn't argued like that since May. Technically it was a good track record for them. Sure, the partners had their small quarrels but it was nothing like that night in May. Both were so mad at each other that there seemed to be no way of rectifying what happened. But then in the end, the two were joined once more to celebrate their friend, captain, and her mentor's life until a sniper came and ruined the scene. Though it was not a joyous occasion it was one that should have been respected rather than blown apart.<p>

She wasn't lying when she said that sounds and images came back. The entire scene played out in her head every so often that it seemed to be the only thing that haunted her mind, other than the fact that she was lying to Castle but at the moment that didn't seem so important. But was it? Was that secret of hers the reason why she couldn't just come out and say, _"I remember everything." _It was an overbearing secret, one that weighed heavily on her shoulders each day she chose to continue carrying the burden of hiding herself from her partner. _Her_ partner, no one else.

It was only mid afternoon but with the time change everything seemed to give into darkness so much more easily and quickly. Rather than putting up a fight to stay up those extra few hours the darkness engulfed everything and allowed those within its grasp to lay helplessly in its wake. The sun was still shining but Beckett felt that there was a dark cloud hanging above her cruiser.

She shook all thoughts of the matter out of her head and continued the drive in silence. Utter silence rather than allowing something to creep inside and bring noise. The radio was silenced, the windows were rolled up tightly to keep the heat in, and her partner wasn't sitting in his usual seat feeding her useless information that she didn't care about but chose to listen to. Secretly that's what she liked most about him. Castle could provide her with so much random information that she could easily win a game of Jeopardy.

The detective smiled at the thought as she parked in her usual space and headed towards the elevator. It was another silent ride up but once the doors opened so did her ears. The precinct was loud just the way she liked it. Often times Beckett complained about the noise but isn't that what every control freak wanted, a little chaos in their life?

Upon seeing their subordinate walk through the doors Esposito flagged her down.

She walked hastily towards them after being gone for roughly an hour and a half. She imagined all the comments the two detectives could make as she approached the desks.

"Hey, where are we with Gomes?"

Ryan's eyebrows came together and Esposito's face curled down.

"Guys, please tell me we have the right guy?"

"Well," Esposito said looking towards his partner.

"About that, Beckett."

She sighed leaning against the desk. "Eye witnesses placed Gomes at the scene."

"He didn't say he wasn't there, and he hasn't alibied out. Gomes admits to being there but says that he wasn't the only one that killed Sarah Vazquez."

"Wait, there was someone else with him?"

Esposito nodded, "He won't give us the name though. Apparently it's some guy that he's met all of two times and never really caught his name."

She rubbed her eyes and brought her hands down linearly covering her mouth as if praying. Beckett shook her head trying to think of some way around this roadblock. "Why didn't our eyewitnesses tell us about a second guy?"

They shrugged, "Witnesses probably didn't realize that our second guy was even working with Gomes."

"Send officers or call all the witnesses. We need to go through their statements again and again to see if we missed something. When talking to them try and ask new questions ones that will lead directly to the son of a bitch that's hiding himself."

"Goddamn coward if you ask me." Esposito commented.

Beckett shrugged apathetically, "That's what makes our job so hard and yet so rewarding at the same time."

She checked her watch making a slight face watching her expression in the glass as it reflected off. Her eyes seemed brighter in the lowly lit precinct making the green stand out more than usual. There were a variety of reasons why she made the face but only one being the truth underlying reason.

"By the way, where's Castle?" Ryan asked taking a seat at his desk and not questioning Beckett's expression.

She looked down as her brow furrowed. Rather than meeting the men head on she walked towards the murder board to write down more information. The current status of Gomes, where they were with witnesses, and a large question mark in read beneath the newest title _The Second Man_. Her handwriting was messy but much clearer than Esposito's chicken scratch. Plus she preferred to use mainly black rather than jazzing up the board with various colors that would most likely confuse the team.

As she wrote with her back towards the detectives she spoke, "He decided to head home for the day."

Esposito and Ryan exchanged looks most likely thinking the same thing. Both came up to the board in a few large strides not wanting to waste a second. They were protective over Beckett though they both knew all too well that she was fully capable of handling herself.

"In the middle of our case?"

"He didn't want to see how things would go with Gomes?"

The detective sighed as she capped the pen with a loud click and turned to the men. "You guys can keep him in the loop though he's not here. He always has his phone on him." She remarked with a sarcastic eye roll.

Brandishing a man's technology use was one thing but to the partners that sounded more like a snide comment rather than a harmless joke. They followed Beckett as she headed back to her desk taking a seat in her luxurious desk chair. It was set perfectly at her height and all knew that if they adjusted it at all there was surely hell to pay.

She uncapped a pen as Esposito and Ryan watched her movements. They didn't appear to be sporadic or nervous but rather calm and staged. She was hiding something. It didn't take world-renowned detectives to solve that case. All it took was a pair of her best friends.

"Is everything okay between you two?" Ryan asked stuffing his hands deep into the dark gray pants pockets.

Beckett nodded still engrossed with her paperwork. She was busy going through a witness' statement and underlying or circling anything that seemed oddly important. The entire page was soon covered in her scribbles and comments as if she were analyzing a poem or passage. The remarks were somewhat like the ones she did while reading a good book. With each good read she would have a pen and post-it note at the ready to jot down a few ideas or questions regarding the section of literature. Most of the books were like this but some of her favorites were nearly covered completely in her handwriting verses the fresh print.

Esposito and his partner exchanged glances once more and then back down at their friend. "You sure? I mean it's not like Castle to just-"

"Guys," she blurted out looking up at them. "Everything is fine we just had an argument."

"Usually arguments for you guys doesn't mean anything good."

She sighed again and looked at her desk. The coffee cup Castle always brought her in the morning was still perched on the corner of her desk. Empty now of course but it was still there though he was not. It was a sad reminder of him but she would persevere regardless.

"What Castle and I are going through is between us. I really appreciate that you guys are looking out for us but we're just fine."

"Just fine and talking to each other are two different things." Ryan quipped.

Esposito shot him a look and so did Beckett. His partner's was much less intimidating than Beckett's but he took a step back regardless. She shot him another glare as he retreated back to his desk rather than staying around for another lecture or death glare. But that wasn't the case for Esposito. He knew when to leave Beckett alone but right now didn't seem to be one of those times. He took Castle's usual seat sitting on the edge and leaning forward a bit.

"You sure everything's fine?"

Beckett sighed raising her eyebrows and nodded. "Yup," she seemed to add a bit more sarcasm than usual to that statement.

"I know what it's like. Lanie and me, it's killing me that we're not together."

She looked up compassionately as her friend's eyebrows grew closer together and his face fell. "Have you told her this?"

He nodded, "She wants a bit more time and I'm fine with it. It sucks ya know? I'm not mad at Jenny or anything but she really shouldn't have mentioned marriage in front of Lanie."

"She gave you the talk right?"

He nodded leaning back a bit in the chair. His shield bounced a bit off his chest as he resituated himself. "The whole speech is more like it. To her marriage is just a piece of paper with a diamond ring attached. She said when you love someone it doesn't matter whether your married or just hanging on the couch eating pizza."

Beckett nodded and smirked. "She's right but we both know Lanie would love a ring."

Esposito cracked a grin and nodded in agreement. "Yeah but that's not the point. My parents have been married for thirty-five years. When I see their relationship that's exactly what I want mine to be like, one full of love and laughter."

"I know what you mean." Beckett said gazing at the coffee cup again. It was difficult to distinguish which cup was hers and which was Castle's but they managed to make it work.

"All I'm saying Beckett, try talking to him about it even if you're scared to death. Castle's Castle, he's not going anywhere."

She nodded and looked back down at the paperwork. Her eyes traced each letter in the ink and then leapt over to her own handwriting. But her mind wasn't on this witness' statement it was on Castle. The fact that both Esposito and Castle's statements were nearly identical proved that everyone saw it. Lanie had told her a number of times before but now it was becoming more evident.

Beckett looked up one last time and gave a weak smile. "I'm sure everything for you and Lanie will work out."

"Yeah, the same goes for you and Castle."

He tapped her desk with his index finger before leaving and the detective stared at the chair Esposito left. She hated seeing the chair empty. It was like an ugly reminder that one day he might not show up. That someday he could be injured on the case or even decide that Nikki Heat lost its flavor went on to shadow someone more important.

_"I'll wait for you." _It was as if Castle was inside her mind and knew exactly what to say and when. He knew that giving her some sense of hope would stabilize her and keep her going. That form of reassurance was useful but not now, not at this time. _"I promise." _His words echoed through her eardrums creating a soothing lullaby for her mind.

She sighed wrapping up the paperwork and sitting at her desk for a moment. Beckett just sat there staring out at the space filled with detectives and officers walking around. Some had their heads buried in paperwork, others sat stiffly behind desks, and two officers were busy trying to calm down a suspect and get the handcuffs back on him. It was utter chaos but there was something to the chaos that was the 12th precinct. Not only was it work to Beckett but also a stable home with a family that loved her. But a member was missing and the family didn't feel complete. It felt empty and broken almost like her soul after losing her mother.

With another sigh she threw her things into her purse and decided to pack up for the day. It was only five but they wouldn't get through all the witness' statements in one day and they still had to interview each one again. The boys would handle that; it wasn't too difficult of a task.

She walked towards their desk slowly and smiled. "Okay, I'm heading out for the night. I have an appointment and I'll just go through these at home."

"You sure, boss?" Ryan said looking up to her as he slouched in his chair. His elbows were spread wide on either side of a folder and his baby blue eyes sparkled in the light. His mouth was slightly agape making him look dorky but also content.

"Yeah, I'm sure. If you guys can get a hold of any witnesses please have them come in. I'll continue going through more of them tomorrow."

Esposito scoffed, "Yeah with twelve witnesses it was a total pain in the ass to interview them all."

Ryan hit his arm, "Well what about the chick from Jersey that you made me interview? She would not stop talking about how frightened she was. That woman was easily the least helpful of them all."

Beckett smirked, "I think you made a lasting impression on her, Irish." She smiled throwing her purse on her shoulder. "Like I said, please just go through them all and if necessary, the Jersey Shore wannabe doesn't have to make another appearance."

The two smiled and waved Beckett on her way. None of the other detectives looked up as she left and thankfully Gates wasn't at her post to make a comment. Thank God that she was stuck at the commissioner's office all day.

For the second time that day the elevator ride was a chamber of silence that amplified her thoughts. It was as if she was speaking aloud to herself, but that would be the ultimate sign that she was losing her mind. No, the thoughts simply sounded so much louder than they actually were. It wasn't a panic attack but simply another thing on her list. That damn list of hers was growing steadily and by the second.

There was a low ding that didn't even register with the detective as her body went on autopilot and headed towards her cruiser. One of these days she would take her '94 soft tail Harley with her but that might cause more unwanted attention than usual. For now she would subside the inner rebel and stick with the unmarked car.

She came up to the door hesitantly and unsure whether to knock or to leave. Sure she had an appointment but was it worth it to go each time and hear the same lecture over and over again? How many other ways could her therapist put things into perspective for her and make her realize that Castle was there for good and had changed since his playboy ways? All it takes for a man is to find the right woman and they are willing to stay through anything.

She fiddled with her index finger and finally gave in. Turning the knob in and taking a step inside Roger Simmons was busy putting various papers away. He turned and gave an inviting smile as Beckett closed the door behind her.

"Hello Kate."

"Hey Roger." She said giving him a prize-winning smile back.

He extended his hand towards the back office and she took it as her queue to head back to the office. It was time to begin the session.

She walked holding her purse in both hands and her head held high. She had nearly memorized each black and white photo that hung in the short hallway. Some of patients that he had helped over the years, another that was a tree that resided in some far off plain, and another was a cartoon. The office and adjacent room were the exact same color and filled with the nearly identical furniture. The only difference was that the space seemed larger than the small waiting room and the two leather seats seemed much more inviting than usual. She took her usual seat and waited as Simmons fiddled with his pad and making himself comfortable in the chair.

"So," he said flattening his shirt. "How are you today, Kate?"

She shrugged, "I'm fine. Castle and I had an argument today."

"What about?"

Was this really what their conversations had come to? A simple back and forth, I'll pose the question and you answer me right away? Or was Beckett to play with the question in her mind and give some sort of answer that would give Simmons an easy telltale that she was bluffing?

She looked out the window that overlooked the city. "He called me out on all my bullshit, pretty much made things really apparent to me."

"And they weren't before?"

Her mouth opened but then closed as she looked at her hands. "Things are just different between us. They always have been."

Simmons nodded and folded his right leg on his left knee. "And this is stemming back to his statement?"

"I guess but it reminds of the fight we had back in May. It was like I was reliving that night all over again except with a lot less yelling."

"What did Castle say exactly?"

As if she hadn't already memorized it or replayed it in her head a thousand times. "He said he'd wait for me."

"Have you told him yet?"

She shook her head scoffing at the thought. "God no, I have no clue how to even approach the topic."

Simmons shrugged, "That seemed like a good opportunity to tell him."

Beckett hooked two of her fingers together as she said stiffly in the chair. No matter how luxurious the chair was she could never find a comfortable position.

"Kate," the therapist said bringing her out of a daze. "I've already said this once before, what are you afraid of? That he won't wait or that he will?"

"Yeah but he will wait for me,"

Simmons pointed towards her, "And that's my point. He's already given you consent and signed a verbal agreement with you that he won't leave."

She shook her head, "But that's the thing, he did leave. After he said he'd wait Castle just walked out that door like it was any other night."

"You have to understand where he's coming from. He wants to give you space and respect that you have boundaries. Rather than pressing them further or trying to pry deeper into your mind Castle is taking a step away and granting you some 'me-time.'"

Was this really that simple? Rather than worrying over the situation she should have been accepting the fact that he gave her free undivided time to herself?

"Look, I lo-" she stopped herself before completing that sentence. Taking a deep breath Beckett tried once more. "Appreciate him for giving me some space but I want to talk to him about this I just can't find the time or the words to do so."

"Then you'll need to work even harder to see where all of this is coming from."

The two sat in silence for a long time. Simmons looked at his patient and Beckett fiddled with a snare in her jeans. She was compensating for what she was actually thinking. Rather than voicing her thoughts like all the time before she chose to stay a bit more distant than usual. Trying to bide her time rather than tie a noose for herself.

A soft sound rolled through Beckett's ears gently. A crashing wave that sounded so peaceful and so far away. It must have been the relaxing music Simmons played sometimes especially for the longer sessions. Her fingers danced against the rough denim as she waited for Simmons to make the first move. She often did this. Rather than coming out and saying what was on her mind Beckett waited to be asked. Though many times she never shared this was a completely different environment from the precinct or her apartment. Sure, both were home to her but this place was a safe haven. The detective used her sessions as an escape, someway to get away from the burden of work and focus on her issues. Though to many her issues didn't seem as big or troublesome as others.

"You nearly just said the words to me, so why is it so difficult to tell him?"

She shrugged taking more time to herself. Why was it so difficult? Castle was one of the easiest people to talk to and she never feared having a conversation with him. It was the fact that her secret was soon to be discovered that frightened her most. The fact that he would find out and react terribly was her worst fear.

How would he react was a question she posed for herself on a daily basis. Besides these sessions Castle's reaction was something she pondered often. Would he be happy or terribly hurt that she had been keeping this from him for so long? Or would Castle wrap his arms around her for a loving embrace? Both scenarios played out in her mind but neither seemed like it was reality. Both seemed like skewed versions of the truth that her mind tried piecing together in some form of an attempt to have clarity.

"I just can't tell him yet. As much as I want to dive in it with him I just can't."

"You won't allow yourself to." Simmons leaned forward pressing his hands together. "What frightens you more than anything?"

She looked up, "Besides never catching my mother's killer?" Beckett waited for the solemn nod to continue. She sighed rubbing her hands against the denim as it made a soft scratchy noise. "Castle's reaction."

"And how do you think he would react?"

Beckett shrugged, "I don't know. What if I tell him and a few weeks down the line nothing changes? What if he just starts up again in a new relationship rather than trying to have one with me? What if he does leave?"

"Those are all rational fears," Her therapist said in a calming voice. "But Castle told you himself he wasn't going anywhere. Are you sure that you wouldn't run from him instead?"

She scoffed, "Isn't that what I'm doing right now?"

Simmons gave a warm smirk and shook his head. "No Kate, you're not running. You're trying to solve a problem." He cleared his throat and moved forward in his seat. "The easy part is telling Castle how you feel, the difficult part is accepting that as reality."

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><p><strong>Author's Note: So as some of you will notice, or if you guys are super detectives, have realized that I'm playing this off of all the <em>Kill Shot<em> promos. I'm really excited about the episode and I felt that it would be a good stepping stone to base this story off of. Now my idea is completely different from the episode I'm sure but whatever, that's fanfiction for you. As the show progresses, however, I will add some of the content into this story to keep it authentic. **

**I'm having a good time writing this and I hope you guys are enjoying it though we're only in chapter 2. Please leave reviews, they are always welcome!**

**KP, aka Ashley**


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: A Love Lost**

**Disclaimer: I will never be able to write something as amazing as _Kill Shot_...**

**Author's Note: Hello all, my apologies that this took me a bit longer than I expected. I wanted to wait until I was on break and my initial plan was to write some no Tuesday but sleep overcame me instead. **

**As some have noticed or questioned, yes I changed Dr. Burke's name for the sake of this story. I have a plan later on which will tie in with the whole Roger thing. Thankfully in the show he's just Beckett's physical therapist.**

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

**KP, aka Ashley**

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><p>Whirling noises swirled within her head, tantalizing her eardrums and dancing swiftly over her skin cells. Beckett sat at her desk staring at his seat, which sat bare for the time being. She made a face realizing that it was probably useless thinking that he would come in today especially after their fight yesterday. <em>"I need time to clear my head." <em>His words were so clear within her head as she replayed the scene. The look on his face said it all and she questioned whether he would forgive her? Forgive her for keeping the truth hidden and barely staying away from breaking down. It was only a matter of time until she came crumbling down.

Sometimes Beckett could feel it coming. She wasn't one to cry not even at a young age. While other teenage girls cried their eyes out over boys Beckett decided that throwing a few punches here and there would be more helpful. Constantly fighting for control over her emotions but it was times like this that that tight grip of hers loosened and she could feel the control slowly slipping from her fingers.

She tugged her bottom lip between her teeth as she tried to focus on the murder board before her. The detective had moved and was now slumped against her desk in the early morning as other detectives and officers began trickling in. Ryan and Esposito came in early like usual and chose not to bother Beckett. Whenever she fell into this state it was better to leave her alone and allow the detective space to piece the puzzle together.

Rather than the board talking to her, it chose to stay silent. It seemed like one big jigsaw that would never come together. She took a deep breath and ran her fingers over her eyes rubbing them gently as to not smear her makeup.

Her body slid down the side of the desk, each piece of her vertebra making its impression against the hard wood behind her flesh and clothes. She sat in a crouch with her bottom nearly hitting the hard ground of the precinct. Beckett didn't fall completely; she still needed that sense of control. Though the murder board refused to talk it didn't mean she couldn't force it to. Glaring at it intently she hoped that some detail would pop out at her. Beckett was nearly at the stage of praying when she heard soft footsteps approaching her.

Beckett's soft green eyes trailed up the pair of legs that stood next to her. She found herself rising with her eyes and standing full length beside Castle who extended a coffee toward her.

"Good morning," he said in his normal tone. His eyes looked tired and he hadn't shaved. It was odd seeing Castle with a little more scruff than usual. Typically he was so clean-shaven and proper but seeing him sleep deprived proved that their fight really did wear on him too.

Beckett's lips couldn't help but curl up. "Morning Castle," she took the coffee full heartedly and took a generous sip. The warmth from the vanilla latte slid down her throat with ease and tasted like God to her. Oh coffee how wonderful you are.

She looked into his eyes after setting the coffee down, "I'm glad you decided to come in today."

He shrugged it off like usual and leaned against the desk. "Better to let this one slide right?"

Beckett looked down for a moment licking her bottom lip. "Castle," she stated still trying to find her voice. "Are we not going to talk about what happened at all?"

Castle peered at her, "That I saw you nearly topless?"

A slight blush crept over her checks. "If you mention that to anyone I will shoot you."

He nodded with a triumphant smile and went back to looking at the board.

They stood there for a moment in silence next to each other. Somehow over the years the two grew closer to each other. Not emotionally but physically too. It wasn't until recently that Beckett noticed how comfortable she had become with grazing his skin, touching his face or hands, the fact that they stood so close to each other and she no longer pulled his ear when he came close to her phone. It was things like that that showed Beckett how much they had changed and that it had been for the better.

She took a deep breath trying to even her heart rate that spiked up suddenly while in deep thought. "I mean our fight, are we not- are we not going to talk about it?"

Castle sighed and his head fell a bit. His chin met his strong broad chest that was masked so well by his dark blue button up shirt. "We don't have to talk it about it until you're ready. I told you yesterday that I would wait for you. Ball's in your court now."

He pushed off the desk taking a closer step to the board. "By the way, what happened with Gomes?"

That's the thing about Castle, one second he would say something deep, sweet, and profound but then jump to the next topic rather than wasting any time on the last. Beckett felt trapped between topics halfway through thinking a sentence out about their fight and the other half about the current case. Both caught in her throat as she tried to speak but nothing came out. The detective cleared her throat raising her hand as she took a step closer.

"We ran into a bit of a snag with Gomes yesterday."

He sighed like a three year old. "You're kidding right?"

Beckett shook her head as she grabbed a marker pointing to a picture. "Gomes doesn't deny being there for the crime but the way he tells it there was someone else there with him."

Castle's brow furrowed, "There was someone else there? Why didn't the witnesses mention anything?"

She shrugged, "So far all the ones Esposito and Ryan spoke to said that they only remembered Gomes because he stood out."

"Just because he looks like a creep?"

Beckett nodded throwing her hair over her shoulder. "So far all the other witnesses that came in remembered seeing someone else. We tried having them talk to a sketch artist but that didn't really lead us anywhere."

She handed him a folder with all the sketches in it. It crinkled with the transfer of hands. Castle opened the light green folder and splayed all the sketches out across Beckett's desk. He examined each one, his eyes carefully going over each wrinkle, every hair on his head, the dark tinted sunglasses that fit the man's face perfectly.

There was only one thing that all sketches had in common, it was always a man but on the downside each witnesses' memory retained the picture differently. For one woman's the suspect looked like an old man mixed with an elf from Lord of the Rings. Another, the suspect appeared to be Michael Weatherly.

Castle's face scrunched up and his mouth moved to the side of his face as he thought.

"Is that your thinking face, Castle?"

He grinned, "Yeah, I've been working on it. Do you approve?"

She shrugged taking a seat. "Reminds me a little of Hooch."

Castle's face broke out into a large smile as he sunk into his seat still examining the pictures. Finally it came to him. His finger nearly broke through one of the sketches, "There is one thing that all these pictures have in common."

"Besides the fact that they're all men?"

He looked up, "Way to state the obvious, and yes." Castle sat up coming around just behind Beckett and putting his arm out next to hers. His body was almost against hers as the too stood. It didn't feel odd or strange but as if the fight was now just a thought pushed to the back of their minds. "In all these pictures our supposed suspect has that distinctive tattoo on his neck. In some it's just a little dot as if the witness couldn't remember what it looked like but it's there, in every single one of them."

Beckett leaned down farther as a few strands fell down. The rest of her hair was kept up in a messy ponytail that she threw together in mere seconds when she decided to get out of bed. Saying it was another sleepless night for the detective was an understatement. She examined all the pictures alongside her partner paying careful attention to everything just as he did. Each picture was how the witness saw the man in their minds. None of the sketches made the man look too old but none suggested that he was a strapping young man.

She hit his arm with joy, "Castle you are a genius." The detective circled each marking and quickly puts them up on the board.

Castle grinned and sat back down feeling triumphant once more. "Isn't that why you keep me around?"

Beckett thought for a moment and chose not to give her truthful response. "I thought it was so you wouldn't whine to the mayor again or have you calling me all the time?"

He glared at her, "I already do both of those things."

She grinned rolling her eyes at him. Perhaps forgiveness was easier to achieve when she didn't ask for it. She never begged before but somehow after each spat the two had they managed to make things work out in the end.

The partners stand near each other once more looking at the board with joy at the newfound clue. Thankfully a tattoo was similar to a fingerprint; there are never two alike. Even if different people went to the same artist asking for the same tattoo it would come out differently each time. This was a step in the right direction.

Beckett called over the boys to show off the clue. Not in a boisterous or bragging way but the fact that they needed to find their second man and soon.

"I want you guys to run that tattoo through our database and see if it pings at all. This guy has to be in the system."

Esposito nodded as Ryan stayed to chat with Beckett about the case. "So I tried calling our lone suspect again but no answer. Esposito and I were about to head over to his place to question him."

She made a brash decision, "Castle, fieldtrip?"

His eyes crinkled that special way and his ears perked up too. "Of course,"

Beckett looked back at Ryan, "I need you two to run point here and keep going through those sketches. There might be more similarities there than we think right now. Call me if anything comes up."

The two were headed to the elevator in an instant and it seemed that the decent was even quicker. No long and endless drone of silence. The void was now filled just because her partner was back. The drive over to Broadway wouldn't be nearly as lonesome either.

"I parked on the street today," she said as they hit the lobby and headed for the large glass doors.

The cold November air hit her harder than she remembered it being this morning. The same went for Castle as he squinted past the sudden burst of tears that glossed over his eyes.

She began to unlock the cruiser but heard her name being called from behind.

"Detective Beckett!" a voice in the distance called out. She turned instantly to find their missing witness. She jogged to meet him halfway in front of the precinct.

"Detective," the man said breathlessly. "I'm sorry for not answering, I've been avoiding my home." Air must have burned his throat as he tried fruitlessly to gulp it down. "Ever since yesterday I've felt-felt strange."

Her brow furrowed as she looked at the suspect. "Are you feeling sick?"

He shook his head, "No, I feel that someone's been following me."

Beckett nodded; this was definitely a step in the right direction. If one of their witnesses felt a constant presence that was a good sign. Creepy but good regardless. It would help launch the case into the next step of finding the second man and tracking him down.

"Okay Henry, let's head inside-"

She was cut off but an instant hum that passed by her ear. _Red_. That was all she saw for a moment. Her breath hitched in her throat as she stood there helplessly. Blood sprayed on her coat and she could feel her body slumping down behind the car. Her name was straining to be heard in her ears as Castle called for her feverishly.

"Kate," he screamed pulling her down covering her with his body. The two stayed behind her cruiser as people scattered outside the twelfth. She felt frozen as her eyes stared at Henry Wyatt's lifeless body.

"Kate," Castle said once more still holding her body close to his. "Are you hit? God, there's blood everywhere."

"I-I'm fine, Castle." She said straining to make her voice heard. Beckett's breathing was quick as she reached into her pocket retrieving her white iPhone to make a quick call to Ryan or Esposito, whomever would answer fastest. Her walkie was still in the cruiser and it was too risky to reach inside for it.

"Kevin," she yelled into the phone. "There's a sn-sniper outside the precinct." Her voice hitched while speaking as if that word was vile and it left a bad taste in her mouth.

Castle being Castle peeked his head above the cruiser's hood. When Beckett looked at her idiotic partner and grabbed his collar another shot was fired hitting like a rock against the hood. They sat there against the hard cold cement on the street plastered together. Beckett didn't even push him off and Castle didn't resist holding her tighter.

"If you ever do that again, I swear to God Castle,"

He nodded quickly, "I know, I know, you'll kill me faster than the shooter will."

Castle tried to keep his breathing under control but it seemed useless. There were no longer screams but police were stationed inside the precinct and Ryan called for SWAT. They sat there for what seemed like hours. Time felt slower than molasses but faster than a hummingbird. It was such a contridiction that neither Castle nor Beckett could describe it.

Finally there seemed to be a break. Beckett wiggled out of Castle's arms turning slightly so her face was closer to his. She peered up over the cruiser while staying safely hidden behind the hunk of metal. Her breathing seemed to be the only warm thing to her. The second the first shot rang out her whole body became ice. Castle could feel the coldness of her skin beneath the long turtleneck she had on.

Beckett sniffled trying to outlast the cold, as she stayed pressed against Castle. She took one more gulp of air and looked into her partner's eyes. They were so kind and seemed deeper than the ocean. But they were clouded with fear, not about the shooter but about her. Just looking into Castle's eyes she could tell that's what he was afraid of.

"Castle," why was she talking in a whisper? "You're my backup. I'm going to just look over the cruiser-"

"No, I can't have you shot again."

"Castle, listen to me. You stay down and if you see anything shoot." It seemed like a bad idea especially because he was a civilian but she did it anyways. Quickly unholstering her service piece and pressing it into Castle's firm big right hand. She squeezed her hand around his just for a moment and then her head was up. Peeking up around the cruiser to try and get a visual of their shooter. She squinted, as she looked the sun obstructing her view slightly as she scanned the surround area looking for some kind of indication.

Castle had his head barely showing above the car as he scanned alongside her. Looking and waiting for something to happen. Their search was ended as SWAT pulled up outside the twelfth and they began to get ready.

"Kate, come on." Castle urged first handing her the weapon and then taking her hand in his. The dark black gloves felt like ice against his hands. He wasn't sure whether it was the weather or the current situation that made the air feel thicker but it burned his throat and stung his eyes as they hurried inside.

They headed straight for the elevator not bothering with the officers and detectives gaping at the outside world. A shooting outside a precinct was never good and Beckett was sure that Gates would be all over her ass later in the day.

Once the partners were in the safety of the elevator Castle let their hands drop and stuffed his aimlessly in his pockets. There was a bare cold imprint left on his hand that would never be filled again. Beckett's breathing was still a bit erratic but she had calmed down. Her eyes were filled with anguish and terror, as she took deep but shallow breaths.

Beckett slide down the smooth walls of the elevator and just sat there taking in deep breaths. Castle proceeded to stand and not say a word trying to give her space for the time being. When the doors dinged and opened the detective stood up warily, her hands shaking and her knees wobbly. She pressed her hand against the steel bar inside for more leverage and walked out with her head lower than usual.

She didn't carry herself the same way that she used to and lacked confidence.

"Beckett!" Esposito and Ryan shouted jogging over to her and Castle near the elevator. "What happened?" Esposito said looking at her. All three could tell that there was something seriously not right with Beckett but chose not to press the subject further.

The detective took another shaky breath and looked into his rich brown eyes. Looking around the room for more air but unable to take more in as she stood. "Henry Wyatt showed up and as I tried getting him inside the sho-sniper fired."

The only word in that sentence she said with confidence was _sniper_. The one word that caused more damage than anything and she was capable of saying it so clearly while the rest of her statement seemed mumbled and in a hurry.

The detectives nodded and looked at each other. "I'll call Lanie and tell her what's going on. I'm sure she'll put a rush on Wyatt's body."

"I'll call ballistics and CSU to check out the scene downstairs. This guy is just taunting us now." Ryan said retreating with his friend and partner quickly whipping out his cell to dial the correct numbers.

Beckett stood outside the elevator a moment longer just looking around, lost in the fog that was her mind. A hand reached out and touched her shoulder gently, "Let's go to your desk." Castle said softly behind her.

But she shook her head, "No, I need to get away from the noise." Her shoulder moved away from his touch as the detective proceeded toward the conference room. It was secluded and the perfect place to hide out for a while. It suited her and gave her solace. Whether it was where she and her friends had a few drinks after a rough case or sitting around the table crowded and hurriedly passing the Chinese food or pizza around the table it was a safe haven for the detective. She hurried inside leaving the door open for Castle who she knew would follow. At this point she didn't mind but there was that nagging presence that wanted to be alone but didn't want to snap at him.

Castle made sure that the door was closed tightly behind them and went over the blinds making sure to close them as well. He knew that Beckett would want her privacy but he would stay as long as Beckett wanted him there.

She sat in a stiff chair pushed almost in the corner looking outside the window. Her eyes looked back the glass and the reflection of herself. All she wanted was fresh air to breath or the feeling of being watched to dissipate. But with Castle in the room it was difficult to not be watched.

"You're staring at me." The detective said in a low voice looking out the window.

Castle nodded and took a step closer taking the invitation. "I'm worried about you."

Beckett's jaw tightened and she nodded, "You're always worried about me."

"Not all the time, just when someone or something threatens your life."

She raised a hand to her face to wipe away a lone tear that broke the seal and felt foolish for crying in the first place. Slowly the control was slipping out of her grasp as she and Castle sat there in the conference room. Both seemed to be waiting for something or perhaps they were just waiting for the other to say something. Break the tension that filled the room higher than the ceiling and was nearly overflowing out the strong windows.

"It's going to be alright."

"I'm fine, Castle." She barked back looking ahead and barely acknowledging him.

"All I'm saying is that-"

She turned to him, "Just stop saying. Okay, things won't be fine. My life just flashed before my eyes for the second time this year. How the hell do you think that makes me feel huh?" Beckett took a deep breath trying to steady herself. "I feel like someone is constantly watching me all the time. Like there is this almighty presence that is waiting to snap me in two. So you know what Castle, things are not going to be alright."

He sat back looking at her and feeling an overpowering urge to apologize but he chose not to. Rather than trying to pick another fight with Beckett he chose his battle. Though his stand was beside her sometimes it was better to walk away for a bit. He knew that sense of control was falling and it was falling fast, quicker than a boulder plummeting from a high cliff. The weight of the world was on her shoulders and she wouldn't be able to carry it for much longer.

Castle ran his fingers over his pants and licked his bottom lip. His eyes wracking her entire body as she sat there slumped in the chair. Her legs came up and were flush against her chest. Beckett tried desperately to curl up in that chair but Castle could tell how uncomfortable she was.

He looked at her once more and decided to give her space. At that moment he remembered the advice Beckett had given him with Alexis. Give her space because if you hold on too tight you could lose her, and losing Beckett was the last thing he wanted to do. Castle stood without a word and walked out of the conference room. He couldn't help to look over his shoulder once more. Beckett's gaze fell on him as he left. It was an unspoken agreement that it was better for him to leave but they both knew it.

Once the door closed and she felt safe within the room did the tears come. They fell silently at first and slowly she slumped forward in the chair. Her chin against her knees as her strong toned arms worked to keep her body curled up. Beckett was fighting so hard but lost the fight as the sobs wracked her body.

No one could hear her but even if they did no one would say a word. That's when she lost control.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes: So this chapter was somewhat challenging because I was trying to mix influences from the episode into the chapter. I feel that it stayed true to the overall message that was sent out this week with <em>Kill Shot<em> and that it also leaves this open ended for this particular story. There is a plan I promise and there will of course be a bit more drama. I'm sure as this story progresses you all will see that I'm trying to mix certain aspects or story lines from the show into this to get a good end result. **

**I'm hoping to have the next chapter up by Saturday so hopefully that will happen. Please review and I hope that you're all enjoying the story. **

**KP, aka Ashley**


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: A Love Lost**

**Disclaimer: Yeah, Kill Shot will always be amazing.**

**Author's Note: Hey guys, sorry that this chapter took me a little longer than I expected. My apologies on not uploading it last night like I promise but I had work and my mother made me an offer I couldn't refuse. That woman knows my kryptonite. Regardless, I hope you all enjoy this chapter.**

**KP, aka Ashley**

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><p>In contrast to the darkness and everlasting cold outside, Castle's loft felt warm and inviting. It was a beacon in the cold November wilderness that was Manhattan. The fire was roaring on the opposite side of the loft and he could see it crackling brilliantly as he proceeded in. Alexis was curled up on the couch reading <em>The Book Thief<em>. It reminded Castle of when his daughter was a little girl reading to herself as the fire warmed her and their home. Seeing Alexis that way gave him something better to think of rather than worrying about Beckett after the shooting today.

He shook all thoughts of the matter away and hung up his coat and dropped his keys in the small bowl by the front door. At the sound of keys clinking and the door closing tightly to shut out the cold Alexis looked up at her father. Her eyes were filled with worry. They had been since he called that afternoon to tell her about the shooting.

_"Dad," Alexis said in a hushed tone. She managed to get out of a class a little early to take her father's call. "What's wrong? You never call me at school."_

_ Castle took a deep breath trying to steady his thoughts. Though his mind was still fixated on Detective Beckett he needed to focus so he could speak with his daughter. She had a right to know about the shooting. Though he tried to keep his 'work life' and his home life separate sometimes the two needed to mix, and now was one of those times._

_ "Yeah, well, kind of. I just… I needed to talk to you."_

_ "Dad, you sound horrible." Worry riddled her voice as she spoke. The teenager took a moment and spoke again. "No offence."_

_ That's what Castle needed, a good laugh. Thankfully his daughter could provide him with that moment and take him away from the case. The joke's effect only lasted a few seconds but he wore a smile proudly._

_ "None taken, pumpkin. I figured that you'd hear about this no matter what but I wanted to be the one that told you." How would he approach the topic? Just dive into or beat around the bush? No, his daughter deserved a straight answer and if it worried her then so be it. "Today, as Beckett and I were headed out from the precinct there was a sniper."_

_ "A sniper?" Alexis yelled through the other end. "Crap," she said realizing that her statement was a bit louder than necessary. "Is everyone alright? Are you alright? What about Beckett?"_

_ Castle nodded though his daughter couldn't see him through the phone. Somehow it brought him solace though Alexis wasn't there and he couldn't give her a giant bear hug and hold her. That's what he needed anyways, but with Beckett alone in the conference room he didn't know whom else to turn to._

_ "One of our witnesses was killed. It looks like he was the intended target. As for Beckett," he trailed off looking back at the conference room, which was still shut up. All the blinds were still drawn keeping in all the light. There was no way of telling what Beckett was doing unless he walked in, but that wasn't an option right now. After the detective snapped at Castle he not only felt hurt but also like an ass. He should have known better and not followed his partner into the conference room. All she wanted was to be left alone rather than nagged about needing to open up and hear "Everything will be alright."_

_ Beckett was right; things wouldn't be fine for a while. Not until they caught the jackass that opened fire out front of the precinct._

_ "Dad," Alexis said breaking through his daze. She had that effect on her father. "You never answered me?"_

_ "Right," he stated back turning to look somewhere else than the conference room. He needed to get his mind of Beckett for a bit and focus on other things. "She's, well she's Beckett."_

_ "That's real descriptive."_

_ He chuckled. "I'm giving her some space right now. She snapped at me."_

_ Alexis sighed, "And that's different from any other day because?"_

_ "Usually she doesn't mean it. I'll say something stupid like always and then Beckett will roll her eyes and say something back sarcastically. But today," he couldn't help but not look at the conference room once more. "Today when she yelled at me, it was different."_

_ "What did you expect dad? Two sniper incidents in a year is a lot for someone to handle, even Beckett."_

_ She was right. Regardless of how strong a person was something like this would slowly eat away. Castle saw Beckett lose control of the situation and how scared she was. It wasn't like her but was this the detective he would see more often? Someone that was broken and trying to repair herself? No, what Beckett was doing wasn't repair it was more destruction. Rather than allowing someone to just sit with her she pushed the one person away. But why? Why would Beckett push him away?_

_ "You still there?" Alexis asked._

_ He nodded, "Yeah," his voice was still a bit hoarse as he spoke. "I should get going. You have class."_

_ "I can leave right now and meet you at the precinct if you want?"_

_ Castle smiled at the thought of his daughter ditching class but under these circumstances he felt uncomfortable about it. "It's alright, I'll see you tonight. I love you."_

_ "Love you too, dad. Give Beckett my best."_

_ He nodded once more taking a large gulp of air. "Will do, kiddo."_

Alexis ran to her father leaving her book behind on the couch. She nearly knocked the writer over. She buried her head into his chest and wrapped her arms around him. Castle did the same but rested his head atop his daughter's. Both closed their eyes trying to have a moment of silence.

But in the Castle household it was never that easy. Both could hear Martha's footsteps come down the staircase and stop midway.

"Richard, you're back." His mother said finishing her stride down the steps and kissing his cheek. "Alexis told me about today."

He nodded releasing his daughter and walking towards the kitchen. His stomach was empty but the writer didn't feel the need for food. His stomach was doing flips as he walked and it hadn't settled even after Beckett came out of the conference room.

Martha and Alexis followed the writer in tow not wanting to leave his side. The women sat opposite the writer at the counter watching as he moved about the kitchen aimlessly. Nothing looked appealing to Castle as he opened cupboards, the refrigerator, or pantry. All of it looked revolting and unappetizing. He ended up pouring himself a glass of 7up to calm his stomach. It was the go-to drink whenever his stomach felt uneasy and now seemed like the perfect time to have it.

"So," Martha said in an easy tone. "How's Beckett doing?"

Castle shrugged looking down into the bubbly glass. The granite countertop was completely distorted through the glass as bubbles rose to attention. They rolled off the sides of the glass meeting in the middle and instantly popping on the surface. Even the fizzing sound couldn't help his stomach and sounded like nails on a chalkboard.

"She was closed off the rest of the day. She even said no to coffee."

Martha looked at her son apathetically. "Darling, she's probably trying to work through things. Beckett's tough, she'll make a comeback."

"It's not about that mother." Castle said wincing at his words. They sounded harsh and he wanted to apologize but continued with his thought. "It felt like the woman I was sitting next to all day was someone else. As if the old Kate Beckett was swallowed whole by something bigger and stronger than her."

"With a murder and a sniper she has a lot on her hands, dad."

Castle sighed, "I understand that sweetheart but, what am I supposed to do? I want to be there for her but I know that she'll turn me away. Beckett is not good at sharing and she won't open up to me."

Martha and Alexis both sat back in their stools looking at the writer. He looked more rundown without a shave. The dark bags beneath his eyes seemed to be growing darker by the second, and his shoulders were slumped forward on the counter.

"Dad," Alexis said reaching a hand out to her father. "If there is anyone that knows Beckett it's you. You know her better than anyone and sometimes opening up to those that mean the most to you is difficult."

Castle could see where his daughter was headed but wanted to turn the other way and not listen. Sometimes the truth hurts especially when your teenage daughter has to spell things out for you. But rather than retreating to his office or even a hot shower he stayed in the company of his mother and daughter.

There was something about the kitchen anyways that felt more inviting than the sound of his sheets brushing up against his skin. It wasn't the fact that his family was there or that the fire was roaring close by. There was something indescribable to the feel of the cool granite countertops beneath his fingers. There was always something more.

"I don't know," he said shrugging. "She didn't touch her food at lunch today. I was thinking about bringing her some Thai food just so she had something."

"Richard, Beckett is an independent woman that is capable of feeding herself."

"I know, but the way she was acting today I know that she won't get anything to eat. I can't explain it but even if I just drop food off and leave I'll feel better."

Alexis looked at her grandmother and then back to her father. "You do what you think is best, dad. Gram and I won't say anything about it."

Martha scoffed, "I really failed at teaching you about relationships didn't I?" The woman questioned towards her son.

That perked up his lips a bit. "Oh no mother, you were a shining example in my life."

She gave her son a warm smile and cupped his hand in her slender paler hands. His mother's hand was much warmer than his own but he didn't mind. The cool contrast from the countertop and his mother's felt nice. But his stomach continued to flip silently and kept the writer in a constant state of upset. He didn't know how Beckett would make it through this one.

The writer made a quick stop at a Thai restaurant close to Beckett's apartment. It was a new one that opened up not to long ago but from Beckett's review on the place it was actually pretty good. Castle wasn't sure what his partner typically ordered at the place but got her barbeque pork marinated in honey and Thai seasoning, pad see ew, chicken house fried rice, and bamboo with chili, garlic, and prawns.

Thankfully everything fit into the large paper bag and it wasn't too difficult to carry through the building. He tried calling Beckett's cell but it went straight to voicemail. Understandable since she wanted to be alone and just disappear. But Castle couldn't let her fade away that easily he wouldn't allow it.

Though Beckett didn't recall his statement he still felt his love for her grow every time something like this happened. Even when he gave his partner coffee in the morning it was his way of giving her a good morning kiss. Though he would most likely never kiss her again doing little things for her would satisfy his need to console her and be there for the detective.

_"Does she make you happy?" _ _ He recalled Alexis saying to him after Beckett returned from her father's cabin._

_His eyes perked up but were completely serious as he spoke. Castle understood why his daughter phrased the question in the first place. She wanted to know if this one woman meant the world to her father and his response only confirmed that more. _

_ "Yeah, she does."_

It was the little things that Kate Beckett did that made his love for her grow even more. In times of need he was conflicted between wanting to give her space and wanting to hold her until things got better. His lips twitched as he confronted her door. Hesitantly his arm rose and knocked. It was louder than he expected but heard nothing for a moment.

The writer pressed his ear against the door and heard movement then a yell. His mind went instantly to the sniper that shot Beckett back in May and that perhaps now he was taking her life.

Castle slammed his fist against the door clamoring for the detective to answer. "Kate, Kate!" he yelled in the hallway. At this point he didn't care if he sounded like a raging lunatic, all he wanted was for his partner to be safe.

He set the food down next to the door and backed up steadying himself. The writer threw his body against the door but it was no use. Damn metal doors. "Kate!" he yelled once more trying to get her attention.

One more attempt and then he would search for the key. Carefully and quickly he aligned himself with the middle of the door and pressed his back against the opposite wall. Castle wasn't going to lose her again, not now not ever. He sprinted full speed at the door ramming against it with his right shoulder. It sent a shiver of pain through his bones but he shook it off. The door was too sturdy for him and it was no use.

Reaching above the doorframe he searched aimlessly for the key. His shoulder hurt but rather than crying out in pain he winced and pulled through. Castle felt along the cold steel until he felt a small bump. It felt like tape and he quickly pulled away.

"Bingo," he muttered to himself quickly pressing the small key into the metal lock.

The door burst open as he pushed all his weight against it.

"Beckett, Kate!" he yelled out looking around the room. He could see that everything was still in its place except for the coffee table. It was overturned and there was broken glass all over the floor.

His eyes were wide as he searched the area for his partner. Then he heard breathing. It wasn't his and he turned looking in the corner by the television. There huddled next to the stand was Kate Beckett holding her gun and blood trickling down her arm.

She looked at him with wide fearful eyes and examined his movements. She didn't move or even back away when he took a step closer.

"Castle," Beckett said in a hushed tone. "Wha-what are you doing here?" her arm dropped seeing that this was a friend not a foe. Her breathing was still ragged but she felt more at ease.

He moved towards her first taking the gun from her hand and placing it on the arm of the couch then holding her small fragile hands. Castle saw the blood first but didn't look surprised.

"You hardly touched your food at work so I brought you dinner."

The writer brought his partner up to her feet and steadied her. "Let's clean your arm up." Before completely entering the kitchen he quickly rushed out the door to retrieve the food, which was still sitting peacefully outside. He made sure to close and lock the front door (all three locks) before returning to the kitchen.

Beckett stood at the sink holding her arm up as blood pulsed through her fingers. It slowly dripped into the sink at her elbow, not landing anywhere else on her body. She stared at him as he walked into the kitchen placing the large brown paper bag on the metal tabletop and then focused on her.

"You didn't bandage your arm up again."

Beckett nodded as Castle held her hand and elbow leaning it farther over the sink. "Yeah, I wanted it to air out a bit."

He scoffed, "Look at the good it did you? You have another gash on the other side of your arm."

She hadn't even realized that until he mentioned it. Beckett just assumed once she went through the glass that it reopened the wound from Gomes. It didn't matter though, as long as Castle managed to patch her up and she could go to work that's what was most important.

He carefully touched her arm and grazed over the cuts. "This might sting a little," Castle said tenderly rubbing the cuts. He could feel Beckett tense up and even hold back a cry of pain. Once it looked like all the glass was out he rubbed her hand. "I'm sorry,"

Beckett looked up from the blood draining down the sink and upon his face. Castle refused to look her in the eyes and stared down at her arm.

"Why are you sorry?"

He shrugged, "I should have come sooner." The two locked gazes momentarily but Castle ruined the moment. Now wasn't the time to look longingly at his partner. Now all he had to do was take care of her and know for sure that she was healthy. "Do I have permission to get the first aid kit?"

Beckett nodded, "It's under the sink in my bathroom."

Castle nodded and headed back through the apartment. He didn't take the time to graze about looking at her books, pictures, and trinkets. Quickly walking through the family room and down the hallway he came across her bedroom. That dark wood door that stood in his way was no open to him. Thankfully this time he didn't need to knock and wasn't worried about seeing Beckett nearly topless again.

He flipped on the lights and headed for the bathroom. As much as Castle wanted to do a little snooping he knew that tonight wasn't the time for it. Hell, he respected the woman so that would most likely never happen. Castle ducked below the sink quickly going through the small white cupboard. He ignored the hair products, razors, and other feminine products as he looked for the first aid kit.

After moving some items about, he finally found the little white box. Castle kept her other items from toppling out of the cupboard and quickly closed the white doors.

Beckett was still standing in front of the sink when he returned holding a towel to her arm. Blood managed to seep through and stain the greenish white towel. She looked lost as she stood against the white sink. No more blood trickled down her toned arm but the smell lingered.

Castle opened up the white box on the metal tabletop and took out two gauze pads and the tape. He pressed one pad against the reopened wound and taped it down. He did the same for the newest wound and took a longer sheet of gauze. Skillfully he wrapped the gauze around her arm and secured it with tape. Castle's thumb rubbed against the gauze tenderly trying to comfort his partner.

"Do you want a plate?" he asked closing the box and leaning against the table.

Beckett shifted uncomfortably in her kitchen. "I'm not very hungry to be honest."

"Then you can add it to the Styrofoam tower in your fridge, but I urge you to at least eat something." He pouted opening the paper bag. "It's from that new Thai place you like."

She gave him a weak smile, "Is there pad see ew in there?"

Castle grinned back at her and nodded. "Yes along with barbeque pork and other goodies. It's a shame though that Thai food doesn't come with a fortune cookie. Perhaps they should give a golden cat or something."

"You're still thinking Chinese with that one, Castle." She gave him a stronger smile as she grabbed two plates.

"Oh," he said taking the Styrofoam containers out. "I wasn't planning on staying."

Beckett's smile dropped and her eyes went down to the plates. She looked defeated as she chewed on her bottom lip and nodded. "Yeah, I should have assumed-"

"Kate, I just figured you would want some time alone."

The detective nodded again taking a moment to herself. "You wanted me to open up so this is my best shot."

Castle looked at his partner apathetically, his eyes soft as their gaze met. "I don't want to push you to do something that you're uncomfortable with."

She shrugged, "My therapist told me that sometimes it's good to talk these things out."

"But you really don't want to?"

Beckett looked down swallowing hard as her jaw tightened. "No, I don't want to."

Castle moved closer to his partner and ran a hand down her arm. "Then we don't talk about the sniper, we don't talk about the case, or anything having to do with whatever internal battle is going on."

She studied his large hand resting in the crook of her elbow. It was large and warm; it felt so inviting and ready to hold. But Beckett held off on the urge and allowed her eyes to dance up his body towards those beautiful blue eyes of his. Just like his hand Castle's eyes were more than inviting. They were soft and tender but not in a sympathetic way. He would never baby her and pretend that things would be alright. That wasn't his style and the writer knew all too well that if he ever did something out of pity for his partner she'd shoot him on the spot.

Her hand moved over his and gave it a light squeeze. Beckett's fingers burrowed beneath his palm and rested there feeling the warmth and taking it in. Was now the time to have that talk? No, right now was about friendship rather than talking about feelings.

Beckett's head nodded slowly and her lips twitched up. "Okay,"

Castle's smiled and squeezed her hand for reassurance before pulling away and opening the containers. "So I had no idea what you like from this place and I couldn't remember if you like curry or not."

The detective shrugged, "The curry there is a little runny but this stuff looks great."

The partners plated up and stood at the tabletop eating and conversing. The conversation was slow but not because they ran out of topics. Castle continued to survey the room as they ate. He noticed that Beckett had been drinking what appeared to be vodka and would later clean up the glass.

Beckett still looked like Beckett but to Castle this was a different woman. Sure, she let her hair down many times but it was never this curly. He would have made a joke about there being a wild Beckett running rampant through the apartment but chose his battles. After the previous night and what happened earlier that day he decided that keeping his jokes to himself might be a better option than usual.

Their night wasn't filled with laughs but a few lighthearted jokes. Castle tried to make Beckett smile but it seemed nearly impossible to do. She was still so damaged and broken inside that repairing her would be a feat in itself.

Once the two completed their meals Castle left his partner to the plates and began cleaning up the family room. Beckett protested but with one look resided in the kitchen. She knew why he was doing all of this. Castle was trying to give her a gentle reminder that there are more people she can talk to than just her therapist.

"So," Castle said standing beside her after the area was cleaned. Her apartment looked like before with exception to the blinds still shut tightly.

"What I said earlier, it's the truth."

Castle looked down to their hands that were mere inches apart. "Kate,"

"No," she exclaimed in protest. "I feel that there is something constantly hovering around me."

He raised a hand. "Yeah, it's me your partner."

Beckett smiled and wacked his shoulder, "I'm trying to be serious, jackass. It's like this weight that is always pressing down on my chest and sometimes it's difficult to breath."

"Did you see your therapist today?"

She nodded chewing on her bottom lip. It was a cute habit of hers but sometimes it meant more. "He said I might have PTSD."

Castle sighed leaning on the table more. "It's not uncommon."

"I know, it's just," her voice trailed off as her eyes moved towards a picture of her parents that hung on the adjacent wall. Beckett had looked at that photo too many times to count but it always seemed so new to her. The way that her parents looked at each other, the amount of love coursing through the picture, it was indescribable.

"Yeah, I get it. For you it's uncommon."

Beckett scoffed, "That didn't sound sarcastic."

Castle sighed propping himself up and looking at her. Beckett's green eyes were darkened by something that Castle couldn't name. "I'm not trying to pick a fight here."

"Sure as hell seems like it."

The writer looked away trying to distance himself from Beckett. Perhaps dropping by was a horrible idea and he should have listened to his mother and daughter.

"Kate, all I'm saying is that PTSD can stir up whenever. You shouldn't just denounce it because you want to be strong. You carry the weight of the world on your shoulders too much rather than putting it down and taking a breather."

Was he right? He often times was and out of everyone Castle could read her the best. He wouldn't have based a novel series off the detective if he couldn't read her well. It was a habit of his to speak out of terms but he did it with heart. Rather than standing there and defending himself he was trying to help her cope with whatever inner demons she was facing. Castle was putting his feelings aside for his partner and trying to understand what Beckett was going through.

She tried digging her fingernails into the metal tabletop but failed as they curled underneath her palms. Beckett tried working things out in her head before speaking but came up short.

"Thanks for the food Castle, but I think you should leave."

Castle nodded, "I was thinking the same thing."

Beckett followed her partner to the door and opened it for him but he didn't leave immediately. He turned to her cupping her cheek in his hand. Tenderly he ran his thumb beneath her left eye. The action took Beckett by surprise but she stood there stoically waiting for the next move.

"You don't have to fight every battle on your own." Castle whispered. He knew that there was some boundary he most likely overstepped but it was no matter to him. He needed that sense of connection, the urge to touch his partner was overpowering.

The writer swallowed and leaned in slowly. Beckett's eyes grew wide and replayed their kiss in her head. Was he going to? Was he serious? But his head didn't move down to her pink supple lips. He stayed higher and kissed her forehead staying there for a moment taking in her scent. It was still intoxicating and sent goosebumps through his skin. After pulling away and dropping his hand Castle looked into her eyes for reassurance.

"Until tomorrow?" he questioned.

Beckett nodded, "Until tomorrow, writer boy."

Castle gave her a weak smile and left the detective standing in her doorway dumbfounded by his actions and also genuinely touched. The hard part was accepting her feelings and that would take much more time than she wanted.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: Thus concludes chapter four. I hope you guys liked it and I'm having a great time writing this story. I tried to keep this chapter lighthearted but at the same time it needed that sense of urgency and drama. Since this story is using Kill Shot as a stepping stone I feel that it needs some sort of tenderness and tear jerking moments. Thankfully no tears yet.<strong>

**I know that it might seem very out of character for Castle to bring Beckett dinner and even touch her so tenderly but what I'm trying to drive home is the fact that she's not alone like she thinks she is. There are people there for Beckett and that are willing to always be by her side no matter what. I think that I incorporated the PTSD in well and stayed true to how Castle and Beckett would handle the situation. Hopefully you guys agree with me and please remember, reviews are always welcome. I want to hear your opinions on this story so I can keep making it better.**

**Thanks and until next time,**

**KP, aka Ashley**


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: A Love Lost**

**Disclaimer: Two more days until _Cuffed_. Let the fun begin.**

**Author's Notes: Yeah, so I totally suck because this chapter took me a while. It was one of those weeks but regardless here is chapter five. Thank you all for reading and please remember to review!**

**KP, aka Ashley**

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><p>Five days. Five long, cold, dark days that gave no more leads. Five days since the sniper incident and the hell storm that ensued. The team tried going through all the witness statements again in hope that they missed something. What they couldn't understand was why Henry Wyatt was the intended target. All the others saw the suspect too and managed to give a somewhat (on most accounts) helpful description. But even the tattoo didn't pan out. Nothing in the criminal database came up and without a clear description or view of the tattoo; it was nearly impossible to tell what it was.<p>

Castle thought it looked like a dragon doing the tango. That idea was quickly shot down by Beckett and the boys and was met with glares. Ryan thought that it was a four-leaf clover while Esposito remarked that it looked like a stripper. Beckett just rolled her eyes at the men and their comments. But regardless, they were nowhere towards finding their killer.

In the past five days Beckett had seemed more closed off and distant from Castle; more so than usual. She avoided eye contact, wasn't downing the coffee he brought or made for her every morning, and was practically avoiding him. She would spend her time staring at the murder board or running down possible leads at her desk. Even if Castle tried giving his two-sense about the case she would ignore it.

Beckett's attitude didn't hurt the writer. What hurt was seeing her going through this alone. Of course she wasn't alone but for some things Beckett preferred going solo. Trying to work through her demons along rather than opening up, enduring the hardships of PTSD. The woman spent three months in her father's cabin to get away from it all rather than facing her fears.

He watched with curiosity and worry as she fiddled with the corner of a file. It crinkled under her touch and stayed curled at the edge. He admired from afar hidden within the conference room with Ryan and Esposito. The men were going over video footage of the first murder in attempt to get a better look at the crowd and more importantly their mysterious second man. But he managed to stay hidden in the shadows and must have known where al the cameras were.

Castle continued to gaze at his partner through the glass. It wasn't in a creepy way but more so lovingly and with consideration. Ryan and Esposito continued to bicker about controlling the video footage while Castle resided looking at Beckett. She looked so scared, so helpless. Her eyes darted back and forth from the screen to the rest of the crowded room as if some ominous being was present.

The writer sighed and looked at the men. "I'm worried about Beckett."

Ryan stopped fidgeting and looked at him. "I know what you mean." He said with a sigh. "She hasn't been acting like herself."

Castle shook his head, "Her movements are sporadic, she's nowhere near calm, and she's headed for a downward spiral."

"It's a matter of time until she crashes, bro." Esposito said looking at the screen.

Castle looked at her again, his eyes soft and inviting but riddled with worry. "I just don't know what to do. If I offer coffee she says no. I offer to bring her food and it's an automatic no." He strummed his fingers through his hair briskly out of frustration. "I mean, she hasn't been sleeping or recharging her body since the incident."

"Call her out."

He shook his head. "No, she's been snapping at me more than usual. If I call her out she'll just hate me."

Ryan sighed and looked at his partner. Neither was too concerned about the case but rather their friends.

"Listen Castle, she's not going to stop. She's going to take this case personally because of what happened."

"Then why hasn't Gates said something?" he exclaimed now standing.

This wasn't just another case, this one hit home. The sniper openly took fire on the partners and killed a suspect in front of the twelfth. It was like the sniper looked through that scope with no regret for his actions or to who harmed. Two shots but only one kill. Two deaths if Beckett hadn't grabbed Castle's shirt collar and pulled him down. No, this case was so much more than a run of the mill murder. It was now personal and there was no way of fixing that.

Esposito shrugged, "Look man, Gates is only concerned about finding the killer and making our numbers look good. She has no personal connection towards us like Montgomery did."

"Yeah, plus Gates has been stuck at the commissioner's office going through so much paper work she hasn't had enough time to focus and check in on her detectives."

The writer shook his head in disdain as he looked at his partner again. Even through the blinded glass and cluttered precinct he could see her clearly. Each action magnified as he watched, studying the shadows that crept onto her face. The dark circles that formed from sleepless nights and trying so desperately to find the killer. All her actions were to no avail and didn't help the case in the slightest.

Beckett wasn't acting out but was in super cop mode during an interrogation two days prior. They managed to find the location of the shot but no such luck with the sniper. It was an abandoned building five hundred yards to the west of the precinct. It was one hell of a shot, even Esposito gave the sniper propped on that, but regardless it didn't lead them toward the intended suspect.

Miraculously CSU found a partial print on a window frame and had a name. Marcus Knea had been convicted once before on criminal charges and had been popped numerous times on gun possession. When cops had searched his place they found a rifle that hadn't been licensed.

_"What were you thinking when you pulled that trigger?" Beckett questioned standing tall against the two-way mirror. "Did it feel right or did you even consider your actions?"_

_ Knea looked her in the eye, "I don't know what you're talking about."_

_ "Bullshit." She said calmly as she stared down Knea. "You held that rifle in your hands and felt like God. You've killed before, I can see it in your eyes without reading your file again."_

_ "Always in self defense."_

_ Beckett shook her head, "In '08 you killed a guy in a bar fight. You used a .48 caliber and shot the man through the stomach."_

_ "He provoked the fight and I simply defended myself."_

_ She eyed him taking a step closer. "What does it feel like to see your victim squirm? Try to hide the second you pull out a gun and make them beg for their life?"_

_ "I killed with a purpose."_

_ "Yeah, that's what we call motive. But I'm having some trouble seeing the motive behind your ex-wife. You shot her through the chest, punctured her heart right away. All she felt were the tears in her eyes, her voice caught in her throat as she screamed for mercy, and the bullet that killed her."_

_ The detective took another step closer and could see that Knea was fuming quietly in his seat._

_ "I think you liked it. You had the chance to play God and take someone's life away. You had that chance to break someone and take all their hopes and dreams away in an instant. That rifle of yours must feel magical and seeing the blood, well that must have the same effect."_

_ That's when Knea lost it. He pounded a fist on the table and stood up in anger. "Who the hell do you think you are? I loved my ex but when she came at me with a knife trying to kill me I had to react."_

_ Beckett shrugged, "Well thank God you had your gun."_

_ "I killed her because I had to, just like that bar fight."_

_ "No, you killed her because you wanted to. Just like Sarah Vazquez and Henry Wyatt you felt like killing them. You killed Sarah because of her engagement and you killed Wyatt to cover up your crime."_

_ "I didn't kill anyone!" he shouted._

_ Castle just sat there amazed at the exchange. He had seen Beckett act like this a few times before, all those times she was on fire. Something raging through her as she feverously interrogated the suspect. It was beyond amazing to watch Beckett work her magic in the interrogation room. This one circumstance nearly matched her tenacity when she questioned Vulcan Simmons, or Dick Coonan, or even Hal Lockwood._

_ "Why was your fingerprint found at the sniper's shot location?"_

_ "I needed a place to stay a few weeks ago. When I got kicked out of my place I found this building and stayed there."_

_ Beckett scoffed, "And I'm supposed to believe that? You've seen your rap sheet, Knea, this has you written all over it."_

_ "Then I want a lawyer, that or check my alibi."_

_ It was nearly a screaming match between the two. Castle finally interjected as Beckett was going in for the kill. She was ready to strike but held back because her partner spoke._

_ "Kate, back off. Come on," he stood quickly holding her arm._

_ She tried to shift out of his touch but he held on firmly. He began moving away from the table all while holding his partner back._

_ "I will get you for murder, I promise." She tried to fight Castle but he moved in front of her blocking her with both arms and his chest. "I'm coming for you!"_

Castle studied her shaking his head. It was a struggle to focus on the case. Even after that Beckett snapped at him. He tried calling her out then and she snapped. That look of rage frightened him.

_"Go home, Castle. I don't need you here."_

Her voice hitched and sounded as if all she wanted to do was break down and cry. Her eyes, though still clouded with rage, were also wet as she spoke. There was a moment between the two that Castle loved but also hated.

He blinked back the small tears that formed as he stared helplessly at his partner. The writer stood abruptly smoothing his jacket. Rather than voicing his next step he walked out the door. Ryan and Esposito didn't say a word and stayed behind the computer monitor. When it came to Castle and Beckett it was better not to interrupt.

The writer approached his partner hesitantly as she continued fooling with the folder's corner. She didn't even realize he was there until his large hand firmly grasped her shoulder.

"Can we talk?" he asked looking down at her.

Beckett's eyes traveled up to his and she ran his slender fingers through her hair nervously. "Castle, I've got a lot to do and-"

"Kate, please?"

His voice was pleading and tender. His fingers rubbed small circles on her shoulder. Castle made it nearly impossible for the detective to decline and finally she complied. She stood with a nod and followed her partner into the break room.

Beckett wondered what Castle was hiding and what this meeting was about. Perhaps he wanted to talk about her attitude lately? No, Castle tended to stray away from something like that. Then what?

The writer sat on the couch leaning forward. She sat opposite him and studied his expression. It was weary like hers and told her that he too hadn't been sleeping well these past few nights.

He cleared his throat and began. "I think you should head home."

Beckett shook her head looking down at her hands. "I can't believe that's what you wanted-"

"Kate," he said cutting her off. "You're tired and overworked. There hasn't been a lead besides Knea and he even checked out. Please, let me take you home or call you a cab. You need to rest."

She folded her arms over her chest tightly keeping herself locked up rather than exposed. Beckett stood before him looking toward the espresso machine. She didn't want contact or for him to even look at her with that sympathetic gaze. It drilled into her soul and there was no way of recovering from it.

Beckett shook her head looking up at him. Her jaw was tight as she spoke. "I am tired, so damn tired." It looked like she was holding back tears but he knew how strong his partner was. That tenacious force of hers, her strong work ethic, all things that he was instantly drawn to. "Ever since the sniper," she trailed off looking to a corner of the room.

Castle took a step closer extending his hands slowly but keeping his distance. "I know you want to catch this guy. He's taunting us and flaunting his secrecy in our faces. But we'll get him, we always do." He sighed looking down from her eyes to her pink lips. There was only a slight quiver that he noticed, ever so slight. "Right now though, if you want to catch this guy then you need to walk away just for the night. Have a nice glass of wine, an amazing bubble bath, and even maybe a good book."

Beckett gave him a weak smile. "I'm out of wine and bubbles."

"Then I'll get you more, I'm even willing to lend you a few books if necessary. All I want is for you get over this. I won't push, I'll keep my distance but you need something to drive you other than work. One day, that tenacity of yours will be the end of you."

She looked at him again and could see how serious he was. Castle never spoke out of turn or with the intention to hurt her. The only reason he said things like this was to keep the detective, his _partner_, in check. He had to try so hard to keep Beckett in the real world rather than jumping down that rabbit hole and never coming out again. If she didn't come back, well he didn't know what he would do with himself frankly.

The detective took a shaky breath and nodded, "Fine,"

Castle took another step forward to leave but Beckett put her hand out. "But you come with me."

Her demand shocked the writer. Beckett wasn't the type to have company especially when trying to work through personal issues. Perhaps this was another attempt of her opening up. The first time she did that Castle told her no. He could tell the only reason she brought up in the first place was out of sympathy. Beckett was trying so hard to keep him there, which he appreciated but at the same time disliked. She was so much stronger than this she just needed a reminder.

He nodded, "Always."

The partners left the break room in silence. Neither mentioned to Ryan or Esposito that they were leaving, the detectives saw their departure. It was none of their business; Espo would take Beckett aside later on while Ryan made some wise-ass comment about it. Their demeanor was always out of love and respect for the female detective.

They went through the normal motions; the elevator ride down to the garage, standing near each other but no closer than normal, and the sheer silence drumming through their ears. The silence was another one of their unspoken agreements to one another. Beckett was too busy trying to think of the next step and what to do rather than the case. But that damn sniper loomed over her and continued to rear its ugly head.

She headed for the drivers side like usual and Castle took his normal seat, but they didn't get far.

"Kate," Castle called out as she dropped. Then it went black.

* * *

><p>Beckett began to stir, her head pounding and an annoying ringing in her ears. She felt like she was either run over by a truck or possibly suffering a hangover. No, she hadn't drunken anything. The last thing she remembered, what was it that she remembered? Was she holding something? Whatever it was smelled amazing and had a distinct smell to it. She recognized the scent but couldn't pinpoint to what or whom it belonged to. The detective's eyelids slowly opened, a bit dazed but they opened nonetheless. Her nose was pressed against something soft and yet firm, so contrasting that it confused her. Beckett moved more and could feel another hand latched to her own.<p>

Now her eyes were fully opened and a small smile crept onto her face. Had she really fallen asleep next to Castle and was now spooning? She was never one to spoon but this, what was the reasoning? Beckett tried moving slightly but realized that her hand was connected to her partner's. When her arm moved so did his and vice versa.

"What the hell," she muttered to herself propped up on her right elbow. Her soft highlighted brown hair was swept off to one side.

Everything about this situation confused her. What the hell happened to them? Beckett tried to remember everything about the day before but came up short. It was all a blur and all she could remember were flashing lights and a few muted noises.

She winced as she moved up more sprawling her open hand on the mattress. "Castle," the detective said in a frantic tone. "Castle wake up before I kick your ass."

He stirred slightly, "Can't we just sleep in, Kate?" his voice was gruff and sexy regardless of their situation.

"Castle, so help me,"

He let out a groan and titled his head back. Castle couldn't help but look at their hands first; they were still intertwined.

"Not that I don't like you invading my personal space but why are we spooning?"

Beckett realized that she hadn't released his hand and quickly pulled her hand back slightly. That's when her partner noticed the cuffs.

"This is new,"

"Castle now is not the time for jokes. I think someone kidnapped us."

He rolled onto his back slightly through she was still nearly pressed up against his back. "What was your first clue?"

"Shut up smart-ass." Beckett propelled herself forward bringing Castle with her. She said with her arm crossed over her body and ahead of him.

The writer rubbed his eyes looking around the small dark room. There was no way of telling what time it was. There was barely any light other than a small overhead bulb that made an incessant hum. "What time is it?"

Beckett looked to her wrist but it was bare. "My watch is gone," she said patting her pants. "Shit, so is my gun and badge."

Castle looked at his wrist too and shouted in anger. His Rolex was missing, "I can't find my wallet or phone. If this is a robbery gone wrong then that jackass better at least spend my money on practical things."

"Castle I understand that you're afraid of credit card fraud with your millions and all but my service weapon and badge are missing. If I can't find those or lose them for good my job is on the line."

"Don't most cops have a dupe?"

She shook her head with a huff, "No, we get in a hell of a lot more trouble if we're caught with a dupe badge than losing it. It's way cheaper to just order a new badge through the precinct."

The pair examined the room once more looking for a way out, anything that could lead them in the right direction or give them a chance to safety. But the room appeared to be locked up tight and the walls looked sturdy to their dismay.

A small hum flooded the room and the partners looked for the source.

"Detective and writer," the voice was low and was certainly a man's. Neither heard the voice before but it wasn't disguised. "I've taken you here for a reason."

"Trying to cover up your crimes you coward?" Castle shouted still looking for the source.

Beckett elbowed him, "First rule when you're kidnapped, do not piss off your kidnapper. One would think you would have learned."

He shrugged, "Oh please, me learn? Even after 3XK I didn't learn."

"I took you because your investigation has gone far enough. You know too much already."

"Listen pal, our friends will find us."

There was a dark and ominous laugh that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. "No they won't, I've made sure of that. Neither of you will get out of here so I would get comfortable because you'll be stuck together for a while. Till death do you part."

Castle looked at Beckett, "Did we just get married?"

She sighed, "This jackass is just being smug."

Her partner looked somewhat dejected but perked up again. "I swear if this is another Saw movie I'll scream. They've already made about ten of them."

"It's actually seven, Castle. Brush up on your horror films."

He held up his hands bringing her left up with him. "So sorry that I can't be as amazing as you, detective."

Beckett shook her head and looked around the room once more. There was nothing descriptive of the space. It had darkened corners that were difficult to see, shrouded in the shadows and waiting to be explored.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

Castle shrugged examining the space, "We were going to your cruiser, I saw you fall and then,"

"It went black?"

He nodded, "I don't get it, who's behind this and for what reason?"

"You heard the guy, Castle," Beckett said turning to look at him. "We were getting too close. It has to be the sniper."

Castle nodded and looked down at their hands. They were close to each other on the mattress and his knees were nearly in her back. Everything about this scenario felt rushed and unplanned. Almost like the sniper just decided on a whim to take the two.

"Wait, how could he have gotten into the garage?"

"People can come in and out of the precinct and you don't need a card to get into the garage from inside the precinct, only when you want to park there."

The writer adjusted himself on the mattress and leaned forward. "So it's possible that this guy could have been pretending to be an officer so no one would give him a second glance?"

Beckett sighed rubbing her back with her right hand. She winced and rubbed a small circle on her lower back. "It's possible,"

Castle watched her movements and could see the strain in her shoulders, the fact that her muscles were tense and overworked, and the small shudder as she worked her lower back.

"Is something wrong?"

She shrugged, "I don't know, my back itches."

Castle's eyes widened as he reached toward her with an open right hand. "Mind if I take a look?"

It wasn't a comeon but out of concern for her wellbeing, at least that's what she told herself. For all the detective knew it could have been a flea or some other bug that bit her, but from this situation her instincts told her something else.

She nodded calmly as her partner took hold of her shirt and lifted it slightly. Instantly the cold air rushed on her skin causing goosebumps to arise. His warm hand spread over the area as his thumb brushed across the area that itched. His fingers inched her skin gently as they tenderly grasped her side. Castle's left hand rested lower on her hip closer to her butt. Though his left hand was on denim it still felt warm and completely right. His touch was so gentle that it shocked her.

"You have a small red mark," he said clearing his throat.

Beckett tried regaining her control as fire danced over her skin. She didn't shy away from his touch and allowed his hands to stay in place.

"Do you think we were drugged?"

Her partner shrugged, "I don't feel itchy."

She peered over her shoulder looking up at his eyes. "Let me see." Beckett turned in his arms but his hands simple went with the motion. They glided over bare and denim clad skin and took hold once she could see him better. She examined his skin first looking at his arms and noticed the fine red mark from the cuffs. There was nothing else on his arms but she continued her search.

Beckett gently untucked his shirt in the front. Her fingers ghosted over his skin and sent the same spark spreading through his just as he had done. Still nothing but she wasn't giving up just yet. The detective unbuttoned his shirt a bit more staring at his chest. She didn't see the whole picture but the sneak preview was satisfying. Right there under his clavicle she noticed a small red dot. His skin looked irritated in only that one place. Beckett's fingers traced the area as Castle's chin dropped to examine his skin.

"It's just a little red."

"Kate, I don't have a good feeling about this."

She nodded in agreement staring at his skin and her fingers still resting there against the soft warm skin. Everything about this scene had danger written all over it.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: So that's that. And before any of you jump to conclusions or start yelling I had this idea for a while, since chapter one actually. When I started writing this fic I decided that I wanted to connect Kill Shot and Cuffed together somehow. Regardless of how overjoyed I've been with all the sneaks from this Monday's episode I was also a little disappointed because they resembled some of my initial ideas for this story. I am not trying to upstage either of the episodes simply because this show is fantastic and I love it to death. All I'm doing is sticking with my original plan and weaving some things in as I go. <strong>

**I hope you're all enjoying this story because I'm having a blast writing it. Though it's taking me some time to write the chapters and all I'm still having a fabulous time with this story. I won't make any promises for when the next chapter will come out simply because I've gone back on my word twice so far. Once more, my apologies but the next chapter will be out within the week.**

**KP, aka Ashley**


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